The South

Brandon is coming home in a few hours. He’s been in yucky Kentucky for 2 days at a Christian conference for his job. I don’t really ever want to visit the South, for any reason whatsoever. Southern people are so weird and they mispronounce absolutely everything. They pronounce their own state capitol (Louisville) as “loo-uh-ville” and if they have a particularly thick accent it comes out as “lull-uh-ville.” Why can’t they just pronounce it the way it’s spelled?

Brandon will probably get mad at me for saying that. He always tells me not to dislike Southerners/Texans for no reason. It’s not like I have no reason, there are plenty of reasons to dislike them. And maybe I should clarify, I don’t actually dislike them, I just think they’re pretty weird and I have a harder time making friends with them than with normal Americans. I've already mentioned mis-pronunciation, but here’s the rest of my list of (perfectly good) reasons that I don’t totally love The South/Southerners:

10. The women have big hair and the men wear cowboy hats indoors.

9. In the summer it’s always 90 degrees, 90%humidity which is only slightly hotter than the temperature of Hell

8. Southern airports suck and the people who run them are incompetent

7. Before I moved to the East Coast I only knew one Texan and I really didn’t like her. This is where it all started for me.

6. They sing so many dang songs about the glorious South and how wonderful Texas is… they’re ruining country music!

5. Texans are obsessed with all-things Texas. They bake Texas-shaped cookies, wear cowboy boots with suits, have denim pillows, curtains, etc… They're insane.

4. They insist on proclaiming to the world how great Texas and the South are. They seem to think if they talk about it enough, the rest of us will get jealous and wish we could be a Texan and be cool like them… we’re actually just getting more annoyed by the second.

3. Every morning when I’m entering my building, Texan lobbyists are standing in front of me holding up the line because they refuse to take off their cowboy boots with spurs while walking through the metal detector. Then, as the Capitol Police are waving them down with a wand, they make stupid jokes about how “back home” nobody would ever ask them to take off their spurs.

2. Texans seem to think that Texas is somehow independent from the rest of the United States, like it’s its own sovereign country or something. On second thought, that would be just fine with me!

1. Dollyland. Just google it - you won’t believe your eyes.


p.s. Brandon will probably make me delete this as soon as he sees it, so don't be surprised if it's gone by tonight.