Four Months

That's how long it's been since God first blessed us with our precious baby boys! And I know it's cliche to say so, but the time has flown by! They are so different than they were when we first brought them home from the hospital. So active, so cuddly, so fun, so excited! People always ask me if it's sunk in yet, if I really feel like a mom? Well, I can finally say 'Yes.' I no longer feel as if I'm babysitting somebody else's kids. I feel like they're all mine and like I've finally got the hang of it. I know what they like, what they don't like, what gets them excited, what will comfort them, sometimes I can even tell why they're crying :-) It's such a blessing to be able to spend all day with them getting to know them better. I love every second of it!

However, I do have a hard time remembering that I can't control our circumstances or ultimately protect my children from harm. I love them so much and it's often so hard to entrust them to the Lord. When they were first born, I would wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks and go check to make sure they were still breathing. I would sometimes have a hard time falling asleep because I would lay awake worrying about their health and safety.

How does one hold their precious children for whom they'd gladly give their life with open hands? How does one not constantly obsess with worry and fear that you'll lose them? I haven't quite figured this out or found a way to prevent it, but I can say that I get great relief from reading Scripture and praying whenever these anxiety attacks come. My sinful heart would rather sit around wishing that I could control everything around me and protect my children from any harm that might come their way than entrust them to my great and loving Savior who actually does control everything. God is using this new experience of motherhood to teach me to trust Him more fully with the things I hold most dear. And it's been very good for me!

Brandon, my parents, my sisters, anybody who knows me well would say that I always expect things to go my way, I like to have a say in everything, and I try to control circumstances as much as possible. Living on the east coast has been the first step God's used to teach me to trust Him through circumstances that I wish I could change and control, and now He's pushing me even further with motherhood. These past four months, I've begun learning to trust God with my children and with his plan, not only for my life but theirs as well.

When Brandon and I think of the future and of our goals in parenting, our first and greatest hope for our children is that they come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. In comparison to that, nothing else really matters at all. We talk about saving for their college educations, preparing them to succeed in life, teaching them sports or music, trying to raise them to be responsible citizens, etc. but none of that will amount to anything if they don't believe and trust in God.

Ever since we first found out that I was pregnant, we've been praying for their salvation. This too, we ultimately have to entrust to God, but we have been given a huge responsibility in raising them to know the truth and to set an example with our own lives. I hope that instead of wasting time and energy excessively worrying about their physical safety, I would spend more time praying for their souls and thinking of ways that I can show the love of Christ and the joy of salvation to them. This is one of my greatest struggles as a mother, one which I'm only 4 months into but one which will probably last a lifetime.

I'm so thankful that the Lord has been so good to me and has already begun to teach me to trust Him with my children and to strive to be a faithful witness to them. I pray that He will continue doing this and that many years from now, when my children are grown, I will look back at these early days and see how God used them to make me a better mother, one who pointed her children towards Christ.

When I die, I hope to stand before the Lord knowing that I brought glory to Him in all the roles he's given me in life: wife, friend, sister, daughter, mother. As I type these out, I'm convicted of all my shortcomings in each category. But, by God's grace, I hope to arrive at the end of my life with the knowledge and confidence that I spent it bringing glory to my Lord. And I hope and pray that my children will do the same. At the end of my life, I hope to experience the indescribable joy of knowing that one day I will be reunited with my family in heaven for eternity. What greater joy could a mother have than that?