Oh Dear...

Well, we're back from the dentist and it turns out that it's a little worse than we thought. I had a bad feeling about poor Cullen's mouth but I didn't want to let my mind run wild before we saw the dentist.

I had emailed the childcare workers from Sunday morning who were there when he fell and I was encouraged when they told me that he hadn't been running and that at first it didn't seem like he had even had a bad fall. He was walking and holding a toy and simply tripped over his own feet and he must have hit his mouth on the toy. They both trip all the time but they always catch themselves and walk away with a bruise at the most. This fall seemed so small and certainly didn't sound like it could have caused permanent damage.

Apparently,though, his right front tooth was pushed in a little when he fell and that's what has caused the swelling and bleeding. The dentist told me that his tooth will "almost certainly" die within the next few weeks and that best case scenario is that it will just turn brown or gray. Worst case scenario is that it falls out and he is toothless for a few years until his permanent teeth grow in.

I got this terrible sinking feeling in my stomach when they first told me that. I must have looked horrified because the dentist gave me a hug and said "Don't worry, honey, there are lots of kids walking around with a brown tooth." She said it's impossible to tell how damaged it actually is without an X-ray (which they didn't perform because they didn't think he'd sit still for it). I'm hoping and praying that at least the tooth won't fall out. I would feel so terrible for Cullen if he was missing one of his front teeth for the next 5 or 6 years!

On the way home, I was fighting off tears and feeling so guilty about everything. I was replaying everything in my mind and blaming the childcare workers for letting him fall and myself for not taking him to an ER right then and there. I was wondering how I could ever let them out of my sight again if such a little fall could cause such damage. I was thinking up all sorts of new rules and safety precautions to put in place at home and of all the furniture we'd have to get rid of.... But this was such an unremarkable accident. He was simply walking with a toy across a carpeted room. He does that a million times a day. How could I possibly stop something like that from happening again?

And then I was reminded to look at everything in perspective. The worst thing that will come out of this is that he might lose one of his teeth for a few years. That's really not so big a deal, right? It could be much worse; he could have hurt himself seriously, needed stitches, or needed another hospital stay. At least he's relatively unharmed, still healthy and happy and it hasn't even interfered with his everyday life. When I look at the big picture, he's still perfectly fine! So why am I so concerned about my son potentially losing a baby tooth? They're not even permanent teeth anyways.

I realized it is probably because I am holding too tightly onto my kids. I often pride myself on being a "laid-back Mom." I let them climb and fall, I let them learn lessons the hard way, I let them do risky things (but not too risky, of course). I would never want to be one of those overbearing Moms who follows her kids around the playground yelling "Be careful" every 30 seconds. But I think my laid-back attitude comes from trusting too much in the idea that everything will always be fine and that kids will be kids and will fall and get right back up. In many ways, I still think this is a good attitude to have. But is that what I'm really trusting in? Am I just assuming that my kids will always be safe, healthy and happy? Am I just drifting through parenthood taking these things for granted, chalking it up to good fortune, and assuming that things will always be fine?

Or am I trusting God with my children? Am I trusting him to protect them and keep them healthy? Am I thanking Him every day for blessing them with good health and protecting them so far? And the most important- and difficult- question: Am I trusting my children's lives to Him or am I clinging too tightly to them?Every moment with them is a gift from the Lord and I don't even deserve to have them at all. God forbid, but should Jack or Cullen ever suffer from cancer or a serious injury or some other terrible thing, how will I trust God with that if I can't even trust Him over a missing tooth?

Today has been really good for me in showing me where my priorities and trust really lies. I'm sorry that Cullen might have to suffer the embarrassment of being a toothless toddler (and pre-schooler and kindergartner) but I'm praising God for protecting him and Jack and blessing us all with good health.

Even if I did wrap them up in bubble wrap for the next 10 years and follow them around like a shadow, I still couldn't prevent anything from happening to them. Only God can. I'm still going to try not to stress over little accidents and injuries but not because I'm just carelessly assuming that everything will be fine. It will be because I'm trying to trust God with their lives, as difficult as that may be. It will certainly be a lifelong process and this is probably just one of many lessons for me along the way, but I'm thankful that God is starting to open my eyes to the ways that I trust in circumstances, modern medicine, seatbelts, myself or a million other things instead of Him. And I'm praising Him for yet another day of life with my precious sons! What a good God we have!