Give Them Grace

"You're a Christian parent, but is your parenting Christian?" - Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson

Being a mom is hard. Especially for a selfish, lazy, immature girl like myself. I love my kids and want a big family but I often start re-thinking this after a particularly long, hard day with the boys. At least once a day (sometimes more if it's been a tantrum and tear-filled day) I find myself at my wit's end thinking (or sometimes yelling out loud) "Why can't you just OBEY ME?! That's all I want- just obey and BE GOOD for once!" Really I'm saying that I am the center of my own little universe, I want a stress-free, enjoyable day, I want perfect children who don't complicate life for me, and I deserve to have all this happen.

Of course I want my kids to grow up as Christians and believe the gospel, but I am beginning to realize that I am most concerned with the outward evidences of this rather than what's actually in their hearts. I am putting the most work into producing good, obedient children and am getting extremely frustrated when they don't behave perfectly. Why? Because I am a sinner. I sinfully idolize having compliant, obedient kids whose behavior is complimented by strangers. I am not focused on what really matters in parenting: sharing the gospel with my kids. Yes, they're only 2. And yes, they can barely speak. And no, they can't really understand big concepts like the gospel or that they're sinners too. Probably won't be able to for a long time.

But rather than pointing them towards moralism or legalism from a young age, shouldn't I be raising them to know the grace of God? Instead of using Scripture to explain why they have to obey me, "because God says so," shouldn't I be sharing the real message of the Bible with them? Shouldn't I be laying the foundations of the gospel in their lives now so that when they're older they will already be familiar with it and hopefully respond to it in faith?

I'm not taking the opportunity to confess my sins to them (like when I lose it and just start yelling at them), or to really explain why they should love their brother and share toys with him, or demonstrating real forgiveness towards them. Instead I'm lazy and say "You can't cry every time you don't get something you want. That's life, we don't always get what we want. You're being selfish, so stop right now." Then when he inevitably doesn't, I put him in time-out. All this teaches, though, is that tantrums are bad, you'll be punished for them, and once you pull it together and start acting good again, you'll be released from time-out. Great parenting on my part, huh? If I were trying to raise little hypocrites, I guess I'd be doing a pretty good job.

Well, I just finished reading Give Them Grace and I have to say, I think it's the best parenting book I've ever read. But it's not really a "parenting book" in the sense that it gives you a list of good Christian things to do that are sure to produce good Christian kids. All it does is remind parents that the best thing they can do for their kids is to give them grace, just as Jesus did for us. Do this on a daily basis. Share the gospel with them when disciplining, talk to them about how they're sinners and need a Savior, confess to them that you're a sinner too and that's why you do bad things, demonstrate real forgiveness, don't convey to them that they're "good" kids just because they obey outwardly (that last one was a novel concept for me). Having good, obedient children is not the goal. Raising your children to know they're sinners and need Christ's righteousness in order to be truly "good" is the goal.

If my parenting is truly Christian, I will be sharing and living out the gospel with the boys on a daily basis and relying on God to help me do it. I won't just be setting down the law and punishing them because they can't live up to it. I won't be consumed by legalism and telling them they have to obey or be good just because the Bible tells them to. I won't be conveying to them that whether they are "good" or "bad" depends entirely upon their behavior that day. I'll be living out the gospel for them- or trying to at least. But even my trying (and usually failing) to do this is demonstrating the gospel, though, because it shows them that I am just a sinner in need of a Savior, just like them.

And, most importantly, I need to remember that it's not up to me. There is no magic formula that will produce good, Christian kids- not even sharing the gospel with them perfectly at all times. God is the one who saves, not me, I can't really do anything to control my childrens' hearts- or their behavior for the most part. I love how at the end of the book, they pointed out that before the proliferation of parenting books in recent decades, Christian parents had only the Bible as their guide. So what did they do? They simply loved their children, disciplined them and told them about Jesus. They recognized that God was in control and they were just called to be faithful parents who told their kids about Jesus. "When we make parenting more complex than God has made it, we afflict ourselves with burdens too heavy for us to carry, and we are unintentionally presuming that the good news of the gospel is insufficient." I don't know about you, but when I read something like that I breathe a big sigh of relief. God calls me to be a faithful Christian parent, but what a relief to entrust my boys to His loving hands knowing that He's the only perfect parent.

Sorry for my long, rambling post but if you struggle with the issue of how to parent Biblically, like I do, then I really can't recommend this book highly enough. My friend Jessica also posted an interview Elyse gave about the book that is incredibly helpful and encouraging. You can find it here. I kept getting interrupted and had to listen to it in 3 separate parts but it was well worth my time. And the book is less than $10 on Amazon, you can buy it here.